Hypocrisy

I told myself I would never do it again. I slept at his house last night. We didn't do it and I was glad, even though he attempted, a lot of times. But earlier this morning, we still did it. Last night I told him I wanted him to be my friend forever. But I know it would change once he gets a girlfriend. I even told him I would still knock on his door even with his future girlfriend in his room, and the two of us would sleep with him. He laughed at my joke. I know I would never do that. Ever. Being beside him brings up a whole new set of feelings for me. I can't even describe how comfortable I am to be inside his arms the whole night. There's something in the way he looks at me, kisses me or holds me in his arms. It was like he doesn't want to let me go.

He told me stories about his ex, about how he was deeply hurt by his ex because she left him for her ex too. Ironic, but it was the worst time of his life, he said. I listened to him talking about how he got so wasted for their breakup and how he longed comfort in alcohol and girls. Yes he told me he fucked a lot of girls after their breakup. And now I'm one of those girls too.

We pretended to be in a relationship last night. Baby, he called me. We exchanged I love you's and kissed a bit more passionately than usual. It almost felt real. I know he just sees me as a young aggressive girl who's willing to stay over at his house. He is 9 years older than me. He has a stable job, a 5-year old son, he supports his family financially. But he said  he wasn't happy. He said he wanted to settle down and be able to go home to his beautiful wife every night after a long day's work. I, on the other hand, am still a student. I have no future plans yet and I still depend on my father for my allowances. I keep on telling him we shouldn't have sex or we shouldn't kiss ever again, but we still end up doing so. I tell him I don't want him but right now all I can think about are the moments we had last night. Yes. I am a big liar, a hypocrite bitch.