Today I decided to start a blog about my life. I have this problem that I can’t tell. I don’t even know how to continue with my life after what I’ve done. I haven’t killed anybody. I haven’t abused anyone for that matter too. But I might have betrayed someone. My long-time boyfriend. The one guy who took my virginity and taught me things I never knew I’d learn someday. The one who familiarized me with all the messed up minds of men. The whole time we’ve been together I always thought he’d be the one. My “always and forever”. But everything changed. Something happened. I couldn’t turn back the time and I couldn’t tell him either. I keep thinking that I no longer deserve him, not that he was perfect or the ideal boyfriend, but because of his patience and unique way of showing his love.
Something happened. It was not planned. I just wanted to have fun with my friends. I am very dependent with my friends. I cannot live on my own. When there’s a time I’m alone, I struggle to find company. I told myself it won’t happen again. But it did. I was weak. I AM weak. I cannot stand firm on my words and my thoughts. I cannot stop this one man from breaking me emotionally. Now I don’t even know if I can still face my boyfriend after what I have done.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We’ve been through A LOT of problems and been together in MANY adventures. I can still remember the first time we met. It was in a computer shop. I was with my friends. He was with his group of friends too. We were playing together and we sat beside each other. I was asking tips from him. We played until dawn. Everything happened so fast. We chatted on facebook, played online games together, got out on drinks for several nights, we kissed, made out and we became official. Just like that. Those moments I was in an emotional turmoil because of the unbelievable issue I have discovered about my ex-boyfriend and bestfriend. I think it was a factor. I was looking for someone to comfort me and make me forget everything. And that someone was him, my boyfriend now.
When we became official, it was just for the public. I never really treated him like a boyfriend back then. I was dating other guys on our first two months of being “official”. I went out with my guy friends, went on movies, dinner, etc. I was a virgin. But it wasn’t anymore on our third month. We had sex. It was awful. It was painful. Horrible. I was really scared. I even convinced myself I was raped. But everything changed because I eventually liked it. In fact we did it almost everywhere. Like EVERYWHERE. I had fun. It was really really fun. The kind of fun where you stare at each other and remember what you did in that table, or in that sofa, or that comfort room at the local bar, or the bed where his sister also slept, or the room where my very religious roommate was sleeping last night and laugh devilishly. Yes, it was fun. I loved him so much. I was obsessed with him. I cannot sleep without him beside me. I can’t move when I’m not with him. It’s like I can’t decide on my own anymore. My world was literally revolving around him.
It was revolving around him until it wasn’t anymore. I found myself one day not reaching out for him anymore. I wasn’t looking for him. It was like I was totally happy being without him. I was contented. Peaceful. Quiet. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that way. It was like I connected to an entirely different version of myself. This moment did not happen by itself anyway. I have mentioned that I was totally obsessed with him. All my actions depended on him. Everything I say, everything I do, depends on him. I was almost like a servant to him I was willing to do anything just to be with him. Everything was perfect in the beginning. Just like the way it is for everyone. Perfect in the beginning. We were happy. I, was very happy I even told myself I am never gonna find any other man in my whole life anymore because I was totally contented with him. And then came the very destroyer of every relationship in the whole wide world. CHANGE. It’s something new, something I’m not used to, because we communicate.
Just a certain INSTANCE happened and everything CHANGED.
