Hypocrisy

I told myself I would never do it again. I slept at his house last night. We didn't do it and I was glad, even though he attempted, a lot of times. But earlier this morning, we still did it. Last night I told him I wanted him to be my friend forever. But I know it would change once he gets a girlfriend. I even told him I would still knock on his door even with his future girlfriend in his room, and the two of us would sleep with him. He laughed at my joke. I know I would never do that. Ever. Being beside him brings up a whole new set of feelings for me. I can't even describe how comfortable I am to be inside his arms the whole night. There's something in the way he looks at me, kisses me or holds me in his arms. It was like he doesn't want to let me go.

He told me stories about his ex, about how he was deeply hurt by his ex because she left him for her ex too. Ironic, but it was the worst time of his life, he said. I listened to him talking about how he got so wasted for their breakup and how he longed comfort in alcohol and girls. Yes he told me he fucked a lot of girls after their breakup. And now I'm one of those girls too.

We pretended to be in a relationship last night. Baby, he called me. We exchanged I love you's and kissed a bit more passionately than usual. It almost felt real. I know he just sees me as a young aggressive girl who's willing to stay over at his house. He is 9 years older than me. He has a stable job, a 5-year old son, he supports his family financially. But he said  he wasn't happy. He said he wanted to settle down and be able to go home to his beautiful wife every night after a long day's work. I, on the other hand, am still a student. I have no future plans yet and I still depend on my father for my allowances. I keep on telling him we shouldn't have sex or we shouldn't kiss ever again, but we still end up doing so. I tell him I don't want him but right now all I can think about are the moments we had last night. Yes. I am a big liar, a hypocrite bitch.

Betwixt

Life never ceases to give us surprises each day. You can either meet a new friend, a new enemy, a new crush, a new lover, or a new mistress and any one of these can either make you or break you. Whichever it will be, it will surely change a portion of your life, small or big. This month has been very crazy.

Like C-R-A-Z-Y. I have met a lot of new people because of this new hobby of mine. Working out. I just started to love working out, sweating out all the insecurities and self pity that I have felt for a while and it has really helped me in a way. I am not the emotional type of person who envies every supermodel bod I see. There's just this one person in my life who never stops to remind me how imperfect I am. Physically. At first it didn't seem to affect me, but if you ever experience a daily dose of discouragement from another person, even after you struggled just to look at least a little bit close to beautiful, you will really get tired of it. I did. It's not that I could do anything to stop him from saying those horrible things to me but I really got to the point when I questioned myself, "Do I really look that awful?".

So I kept a certain distance between me and this guy for a while and I tried to socialize a bit but all I got were compliments. A lot of them actually said I was gorgeous. It was unbelievable! Then I decided to hit the gym and treated all the bad things he said to me as inspiration to achieve my goal. I told myself I should be fit and healthy so I could never hear those nasty things from him ever again. I was determined.

Then I met a lot of new friends at the gym, like a LOT. But there was this one man who became my best friend. I know, it's far fetched, but he was really the best guy friend ever! The first time we talked was on mobile and we talked until 3 am! 3 FUCKING AM! At first I thought he was just like the other guys who gets so patient talking to a girl until he gets what he want, if you know what I mean. The next time we talked was on person already. We went out for drinks, sang on the karaoke, and I slept on his room. I was blacked-out-drunk and I slept on another man's room on the first night we got out. What a slut, right? I even thought we would have sex that night. Even though I couldn't remember how I got there in the first place. I really thought we would have drunk sex. BUT WE NEVER DID. Okay, we kissed. Not just once, nor twice. We kissed a lot of times. :)) We kissed drunk (he said), we kissed sober. Then it hit me.

This man slept beside me last night, knowing I was very drunk, and he was also drunk too! Practically he could have done anything he wanted to, to me. Yet he didn't. That is the only reason that I said HE'S THE BEST GUY FRIEND EVER! After what happened, everything happened faster. We got close fast, we talked for five hours or more a night, until we became best of friends. I was already telling him everything. He was telling me everything. It was the best feeling! I was really happy to have met someone like him, on the gym! We were from entirely different worlds, yet we still met betwix. Well anyway, you never know.

That's just it. You never know.

Instance

Today I decided to start a blog about my life. I have this problem that I can’t tell. I don’t even know how to continue with my life after what I’ve done. I haven’t killed anybody. I haven’t abused anyone for that matter too. But I might have betrayed someone. My long-time boyfriend. The one guy who took my virginity and taught me things I never knew I’d learn someday. The one who familiarized me with all the messed up minds of men. The whole time we’ve been together I always thought he’d be the one. My “always and forever”. But everything changed. Something happened. I couldn’t turn back the time and I couldn’t tell him either. I keep thinking that I no longer deserve him, not that he was perfect or the ideal boyfriend, but because of his patience and unique way of showing his love.

Something happened. It was not planned. I just wanted to have fun with my friends. I am very dependent with my friends. I cannot live on my own. When there’s a time I’m alone, I struggle to find company. I told myself it won’t happen again. But it did. I was weak. I AM weak. I cannot stand firm on my words and my thoughts. I cannot stop this one man from breaking me emotionally. Now I don’t even know if I can still face my boyfriend after what I have done.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We’ve been through A LOT of problems and been together in MANY adventures. I can still remember the first time we met. It was in a computer shop. I was with my friends. He was with his group of friends too. We were playing together and we sat beside each other. I was asking tips from him. We played until dawn. Everything happened so fast. We chatted on facebook, played online games together, got out on drinks for several nights, we kissed, made out and we became official. Just like that. Those moments I was in an emotional turmoil because of the unbelievable issue I have discovered about my ex-boyfriend and bestfriend. I think it was a factor. I was looking for someone to comfort me and make me forget everything. And that someone was him, my boyfriend now.

When we became official, it was just for the public. I never really treated him like a boyfriend back then. I was dating other guys on our first two months of being “official”. I went out with my guy friends, went on movies, dinner, etc. I was a virgin. But it wasn’t anymore on our third month. We had sex. It was awful. It was painful. Horrible. I was really scared. I even convinced myself I was raped. But everything changed because I eventually liked it. In fact we did it almost everywhere. Like EVERYWHERE. I had fun. It was really really fun. The kind of fun where you stare at each other and remember what you did in that table, or in that sofa, or that comfort room at the local bar, or the bed where his sister also slept, or the room where my very religious roommate was sleeping last night and laugh devilishly. Yes, it was fun. I loved him so much. I was obsessed with him. I cannot sleep without him beside me. I can’t move when I’m not with him. It’s like I can’t decide on my own anymore. My world was literally revolving around him.

It was revolving around him until it wasn’t anymore. I found myself one day not reaching out for him anymore. I wasn’t looking for him. It was like I was totally happy being without him. I was contented. Peaceful. Quiet. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that way. It was like I connected to an entirely different version of myself. This moment did not happen by itself anyway. I have mentioned that I was totally obsessed with him. All my actions depended on him. Everything I say, everything I do, depends on him. I was almost like a servant to him I was willing to do anything just to be with him. Everything was perfect in the beginning. Just like the way it is for everyone. Perfect in the beginning. We were happy. I, was very happy I even told myself I am never gonna find any other man in my whole life anymore because I was totally contented with him. And then came the very destroyer of every relationship in the whole wide world. CHANGE.  It’s something new, something I’m not used to, because we communicate.

Just a certain INSTANCE happened and everything CHANGED.